Jenna Orkin

Narrator: September 11 was a unique tragedy in the history of our country. But while the victims’ families and the rest of the world mourned, no one was harder hit than the nation’s billionaires. For what was at stake for them was not their lives or their health from the record levels of contamination downtown. Nor even the lives of their loved ones. The billionaires had been attacked where it hurt most.

Billionaires (covering their crotches:) My portfolio!

Narr: But the billionaires remembered what was truly important in life. And so, after a lengthy thirty seconds of soul-searching, ever valiant in the face of the hardship of others, they rallied to restore that one truly important thing.

Billionaires: (to the tune of “Diasy, Daisy, give me your answer true”)

Wall street, Wall Street, our love pure and true
We can hardly wait to reopen you
We don’t care for public health
But only for our wealth
So we lie and cheat
Upon this street
Full of people that we can screw.

Narr: Meanwhile back at the ranch, aka the White House

CEQ official is in his office, looking over some papers and frowning.

Enter Enviros 1 and 2. Enviro 1 holds a large sign. Enviro 2 holds papers.

CEQ (chipper): Well everything’s looking fine to reopen Wall St.

Enviro1: But Sir, there are record levels of asbestos. See this press release?

Enviro 1 shows CEQ sign that reads, “DANGEROUS LEVELS OF ASBESTOS.”

CEQ: Give me that. I’m just going to do a little editing. He puts ‘NOT” in front of “DANGEROUS.”

CEQ: There we go.

Enviro1 (thrilled): Oh Thank you Sir!

Enviro 2: But Sir, there’s also antimony, lead, dioxin and some stuff I can’t pronounce.

CEQ: Hmm.... Let me see that.

Enviro 2 hands him paper which he looks at, frowning again.

CEQ: (reading to himself) Antimony... no; arsenic, uh uh... Here’s calcium, good. Dioxin, no, lead, no good. Here’s Zinc, great!... And Copper, good... Well it’s very clear. The environmentally responsible thing to with with WTC dust is to recycle cereal. Sprinkle it, bake it, do whatever you want but just (to tune of Michael Jackson’s “Beat it”) Eat it, eat it.

Enviro 2 (prostrate with admiration:) Oh Sir, now I understand why this administration is so known for its brains!

CEQ and Enviro 2: Duet to the tune of “Mares eat oats and does eat oats.”

PCBs and CDDs, beryllium, asbestos
A kid’ll eat gypsum too, wouldn’t you?
Antimony, VOCs, vanadium and benzene
A kid’ll eat chlorine too, wouldn’t you.

Narr: So it was that in the face of danger to the nation and the people who had been attacked, the White House heeded a higher calling. They sacrificed more of the country’s sons and daughters so that they could reopen that spiritual beacon to the world, Wall Street.

All sing: (to tune of Petula Clarke’s Downtown)

When the air’s fine and you think it should be thicker
you can always go - downtown.
When you are healthy and you want to get sicker
take the number six - downtown.
Just listen to the White House with its bald misinformation
Breathe deeply of the lead and other foul contamination
The air is more toxic there
You can forget all your troubles forget all your cares
‘Cause you’re Downtown. Things are much worse
when you’re Downtown. Get me a nurse
for you Downtown. Out in a hearse for you